Sunday, May 13, 2007

A Case of the Weepies

After my son moved out in 2005, I spent the next several months crying uncontrollably....but not in front of my other children. My friends saw me cry and lent me their shoulders. I have become more accustomed to his absence since then, so I do not cry as much. The past 24 hours, however have been very difficult. I have seen my neighbor's children coming and going today and wondering if they are missing their mother today. She was killed in an accident several months ago. I have seen my YSS struggling as he spent the weekend with us knowing that he is not going back to his mother's house after he leaves us, but rather back to foster care as social services has removed him from the physical custody of his mother. I have seen my own beautiful children minus my oldest son trying to be loving today, and I have been grumpy and weepy. I cried through most of Mass this morning. I cried off and on all day yesterday and today. I try not to cry in front of my children. They have been through enough without having to wonder why mom is crying. I am not sure why I am crying. I just am.

My children are the greatest and most challenging gift God has ever given me, and I feel like such a huge failure. My oldest son does not speak to me and my youngest is frequently bratty. My 2 girls are moody. How could God entrust these treasures to me?

I know that without God I am nothing. I know that through Him, all things are possible. How can I possibly convey any of this to my children?

Dear Lord,
I know that my older children have thought of me as a hypocrite at times. They don't understand that people can change and that I am trying to be the woman that You have called me to be. Help me to forgive myself for all my past indiscretions and shortcomings. Please, Lord, give me strength to continue to grow in faith and love and to serve you better. Please help me to mother the children you have entrusted to my care, whether by biology or by marriage.



Ebeth said...

Thanks you for sharing this....My son just moved out a week ago......

Mary B said...

And mine goes the end of the month. I know he'll flit in and out for the next few years but its started. I miss your oldest too. I hope he finds his way.